We could speak a thousand languages with the same intentions. We touch skin. We touch chapped winter lips and hold dry brittle hands speaking in code, and you answer in latin, and the questions keep coming. The clouds cover the source as we hibernate in arms to weak to hold their own, and we hibernate in homes built from cardboard boxes and fence posts. I climb inside your chests and whisper secrets to your liver or your kidneys. I climb inside your chest.
I climb. inside.
I always get to work too early. I need a car, this train shit aint cutting it. I sit here sipping coffee with cat power in my ear fantasizing about zombies invading the mall. The newton shoppers with their over sized bloomingdale bags terrified of their own demise, with the truth that they didn’t live out their life. “you have too much money” the zombies would grumble as they feast on the shoppers brains.
I smoke more than I should. I put together a book case last night but have no books to put in it. All my books, movies, and cds are at tylers parents in oregon boxed up. rawr.
sorry for spelling errors, I am writing this from my phone.
She drove down familiar roads with misspelled names that led to no where new. The directions crumpled at her feet could unfold into origami birds that flew from the smokey window into the ground that was still stiff from the winter. Obsessions collided with lost purpose and sighs, she promised his fingertips that her body would return, the mind would be gone. She begged for some sort of divine intervention, a mercy call for the sick dying girl who threw herself at death in the face of loneliness. She recognized her face in the child, the mannerisms had been written by the same hand, the omens all pointed to those same misspelled roads and their truth would be to meet at the intersection of here and there. He was hers and the child still searched for the sickest prince to put her in the ground still stiff from winter.
I would really really like to start eating healthy. For no other reason than I am becoming very aware of how my body reacts in subtle ways from whatever i feed it. I smoke like it is going out of style & I am not ready to put that down, however I think chaning other things will be a head in the right direction.
I was born of snow and slush. An icy mess. My bones are full of Antarctica and I leave kisses of frost on your broken exteriors. I am stuck in a sort of limbo at the moment. I have no idea what I am doing back in Boston. I forgot how depressing the winters are, I long for warm summer days spent sitting on my stoop in Jamaica Plain hearing languages spoke around me not of my own tong. He is here…but I am not. I am working this job that is paying me nothing so that I have some sort of cash in my pocket. I moved in with my dad so I can put my portfolio together to apply to mass art and hopefully go there. I just couldn’t afford living on my own anymore and going to school at the same time. I couldn’t afford my sanity, my food, my love. Now I feel I made a mistake, I am already looking at apartments and I have only been here since the 12th. Every thing I am feeling goes against everything I stand for. The fight to stay alive through my art when money rules all. The fight to stay live with some sort of my sanity left when living at my dads causes more pain and numbness than I wish to admit.
Scoop me up. Lets play in snow. Lets forget this world and create our own.
my fingers are cold, dry, numb. You stand or sit and scream so silent that the migrating geese hear you in Australia. Large and in charge we wither away at the sight of such things when will power means nothing.
I want to walk around with you…
The new animal collective is almost as good as sung tongs.
Last I wrote we had just arrived in Flagstaff Arizona to stay in a dingy, yet cozy Motel6. We hit the road around noon after filling up on coffee, gasoline, and of coarse treats for Turbo. It has been so hard to keep Turbo in the back seat, and he wiggles out of the seat belt when we try to strap him in…so treats is the only answer. After a 6 hour drive we arrived to santa fe. To be honest I was not to impressed with the landscape of Arizona, big red rocks just don’t get me off. And New Mexico…I never want to see anymore turquoise or adobe again in my life! No but really it is kind of magnificent that people still reside in these strange clay like structures. It was also refreshing to see tons of Native Americans. Growing up on the east coast I never met someone who was full indian…or even half. Staying with Emily has been a blast as well. She took us out to breakfast this morning (oh ps everyone in new mexico puts green Chile on EVERYTHING they eat) and we have played “scene it” the past two nights. Her friends are super rad and always seem down for anything, I kind of just want to live here with her!
So at 2:30am we will awake to drive to Austin, TX. We are staying with a friend of a friend…so honestly I feel awkward about the whole thing. The drive will be interesting though, texas is like caifornia to me; This big fucking state that I know nothing about and have only seen on TV.
I love Tyler so much, and we travel so well together. I think it might be because we pretty much got together on a long as drive back to portland from boise, ID. Which is a year ago this month. Having him come with me is such a crazy beautiful step in my life…I have no idea what is around the corner, which brings a strange warmth to my chest that can at times be uncomfortable. WHO KNEW this would be possible in my life, to love someone so much and know they love me back. Not to mention that I made it 20 years old, and will be 4 years sober on the 18th of this month. I am like and adult or something…INSANITY!!! (but the good kind)
anyway, I have to wake up in 4 hours. so off to bed, and then off to texas!
I flew out to Reno, NV on Wednesday to attend WACYPAA and meet up with Ty and our little pooch Turbo. Wacypaa was full of California and bull riding. Reno was full of tacky scum, and more slot machines than I could ever imagine existed. This morning we left around 9:30 from the hotel to Flagstaff Arizona. Nevada is…a whole lot of nothing for miles and miles, and then a small town that is not even a mile long…and then more nothing. It was breath taking though. Towns were completely abandoned, as if the messiah came and told everything that breathed life to drop everything and run. There was also a stretch of highway that every few miles dedicated its road to a certain war. The last sign read “This segment of highway is dedicated to the veterans of the global war on terror”…I pretty much threw up in my mouth. Not that I do not respect veterans, but the wording of “GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR” just rubbed me the wrong way.
So here we are no in flagstaff Arizona, at a motel 6. There is a lot of snow on the ground. I am exhausted and Tyler is aching to use the Internet. So, I leave you with this…
ALSO THIS IS MY FLICKR. CHECK IT FOR MORE PHOTOS OF THE TRIP.
10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
I talk to myself in funny voices when I am alone at home. My pinky-toe nails are pretty much non-existent. Sometimes I honestly believe I am psychic. At the moment I want my license and a car more than anything in the entire world. I stalk ’someone’ via the internet. I am very messy and unorganized (BUT NOT DIRTY!!) Stigmata is one of my all time favorite movies. I brush my teeth in the shower. I am numerically dyslexic. I have never broken a bone.
9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
Court me. Look me in eyes when you speak to me. Suprise me. Read your favorite books to me before we fall asleep. Mix cds are always a plus. Even better if you write a song. Defend and honor me. Take us on adventures. Tell me your fears and your passions and your prayers.
8 THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY
Cigarettes. Lighter. ID. Phone. Money. Claddagh ring. Pocket moleskin. Shoes.
7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
Fat people (unless they have some medical thing…like a thyroid problem). The religious right. Anyone who voted for john mccain. The need to wear socks. Doing laundry. Running out of cigarettes very late at night. hunger.
6 PLACES I’VE VISITED OR INTEND TO
VISITED:New Orleans. Chicago. Montreal. INTEND:Iceland, Ireland, Cuba.
5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Find ‘the one’. Raise children. Learn a really really old film process that no one does anymore. Have a nice cup of tea with Gregory Crewdson. Publish a book of my photography. Save someones life.
4 THINGS I’M AFRAID OF
Weight Gain. I won’t ever get married, or it will be to late to have kids/cant have kids. Cocaroaches. People who voted for john mccain.
3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
Talk with the HP. Count things. Smoke.
2 THINGS I’M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
Gain Weight. Be suspicious.
1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
Him
I have a severe crush on Zoey Deschanel. Well really, I just want her to be my best friend.
Tonight we had christmas eve. We do christmas on christmas eve in the Caffray household. The best gift of all was Gregory Crewdsons’ book Twilight. I have asked for this every year for christmas, and finally I got it. Thanks Nance! Among the other gifts was a moleskine journal…which I have already started to fill the pages of.
I also miss my boyfriend. All I really want for christmas is for him to be here in Boston already. On the first I depart to reno for 3days, and then we start our southern to the north drive…destination…BOSTON. I love him.
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